I've had this waking dream i can't get out of my head. Mr. K was driving a team of horses on some kind of stagecoach. except it wasn't in the past, it was in the future- we were driving the horses down an empty freeway in the night. it was so dark in places, we could not see. and he was driving the horses as fast as he could, as if we were being chased or needed to be somewhere in a hurry. we weren't the only ones on the coach, there were others, none of whom i remember or could really see in the dark, i couldn't say who they were. all i remember is screaming everytime it went dark, and he drove the horses faster, faster...

at some point we arrived at my grandmother's old home in del cerro circle- i don't remember the arrival, just the being there. and the house was full of people- many of whom are dead now but they were all there- but like before i never saw them, only knew they were there. there was a closet underneath the stairs and i kept looking inside the closet for something- a dress, i think- that would keep me safe if i found it. i don't know what i needed saving from. i remember all the furniture in the house was wrong, it was all in the same place, but it was all different furniture. i went upstairs to her room and waited there for her, she was there but not there.

I've dreamed many times about this house. i can walk in all the rooms of the house in my dreams and it's never like my grandma left it. it's funny, i never dream of the place she spent the last ten years of her life, the place she moved to after grandpa died. even when she lived there i dreamed of the old place. that house they had bought when it was brand new. they were the first family to live there, and it was when my dad was a teenager. they put in the pool the year i was born, and i swam in it every easter of my life- grandpa would heat the pool and we would all swim whatever the weather. it was the official opening of the pool season, the only time in the year grandpa would heat the pool. i spent every summer in that pool until i was seventeen. we used to call it a mansion, us kids. we were into mysteries, and were convinced the closet under the stairs hid a secret passage, among other places in the house we considered mysterious.

i was living with my grandparents when my grandpa died. when he was ill i would have many waking dreams that i was in walking around the house. i dreamed one time that i walked into his bedroom early one morning, but he didn't see me. he was having trouble getting his shirt on over his head. (he had a brain tumor and when he was ill he had difficulty with motor skills). i woke from this dream and went out my bedroom door to greet my grandpa at the top of the stairs, just exiting his room. wearing a white tee shirt and his hair all ruffled. i always fancied i was there, checking up on him. maybe when i dream of the house i am there again, and others are there with me, others who visit the house because they have memories there. that would explain why i can't see them- but i know they are there. it would also explain the furniture being different...

i don't really know why i'm feeling sentimental, lots of things really. maybe i feel a need to open old wounds and examine them- in light of my career change. everyone seems to agree a good counselor has thoroughly examined all her "stuff" so she doesn't project it on a client. thing is, i don't really think i have all that much "stuff" to look at- or i'm arrogant enough to think i've handled it so well there's no reason to go back on it. but it's bubbling up on its own...

i also feel i should rectify the fact that i never was really honest with the one therapist i spent some time with. of course i talked to her about the most obvious thing that was hurting me, and one other from my past- but lets just say there was another elephant in the room that i wasn't facing. the elephant being the cause of the problem i had discussed with her- one i still haven't worked out quite yet. but i sat in front of her, right before moving to arizona and told her everything was now fine. the problem was gone, and i was in putting some distance in between us. i wanted it, needed it to be fine so i could start my new life. i couldn't bring myself to admit there was a problem. everything will be fine, it will get better.

but i brought the elephant with me. and its here, standing in between me any everything i want to do. i know i have to face this elephant, i have to look at it and admit its really there. but i really don't know how.

Just got back from tucson. wowed them with my exactly five minute presentation. i just hope the exactly ten page paper is up to scratch. only two more classes to go! in the next two weeks we will be practising counseling techniques and "mock counseling" each other. then i have about a week before i hear if i'm in the program, blah blah blah. i'm not worried about making it. this was the hard part, i'm sure. this class is designed to discourage people from continuing- we started with 21 and have lost one member at each subsequent meeting- tonight a student didn't make it because she was stressing so much she started having seizures. i think the stress might be a bit much for her. me? i'm over the hump. the hard part is over.
tomorrow some of us are meeting for happy hour at el paso restaurant :)
also, the bestest husband in the world, upon finding out i was hosting sorority in a month, decided it was time to replace the sink and the bathroom floor, paint the bathroom, replace the kitchen sink and the kitchen counter. i was never so happy to come home to a mess in my life!

here i am. relaxing with a glass of wine and trying to wind down after my longest day of the week. i am more than halfway through my 10 page paper, but after attending class tonight i have quite a laundry list of things i'm going to have to change. much of the class tonight was devoted to 5 minute presentations. the presentation was a summary of the paper, in oral format. we were to cover the five points in the paper: (1) why i want to be a counselor, (2) what are the traits of a good counselor, (3) what are my personality traits, (4) what are my skills that transfer from my present career to counseling, and (5) what position will i be in when i graduate from this program? You guessed it, my biggest difficulty was staying inside the five minutes. i have no problem with public speaking, i have no problem talking about myself. i have no problem writing a 10 page research paper- taken apart, these things are peanuts. i don't understand why this class is causing me so much anxiety. but that's the point, isn't it? taken apart, none of these things affect me. but put them all together, factor in a videotaped "mock counseling session," add working full time in an environment or mutiny (i will get to that later), oh don't forget that the university of phoenix courses are accelerated which means that a 6 week course is the same as a 15 week semester course at a normal university... i do wonder how i have time to clean the house, make dinner, go shopping, take care of the kids (animals and husband) carry on with my social life (sorority and vigilettes), oh and when do i sleep? definelty not on thursdays. i'm too high when i get home. to amped. but i am that overachiever that i always was. i'm not happy unless i'm multitasking to the extreme- miss s, i know you empathize.

i must also give kudos to that husband of mine, who was not only instrumental in talking me into this venture- but he is also supportive of me all the way. he is picking up after himself, doing the dishes, washing the laundry (that includes bedclothes once a week), making the bed, feeding and caring for the animals, making me dinner, yes even riding the horses with me so they both can get excercise. not to mention dealing very well with my wild mood swings (he is the master of ignoring me when i'm mental). in the midst of all this excitement, he is still taking care of his business, he bought and repaired a backhoe, which he will soon be using to dig little holes all over the yard with, and eventually he will use it to build our very first home here.

so... back to mutiny on the bounty. the last post was of a special little card i received from a colleague of mine after a particulary stressful meeting. she had gone to the drug store after work and bought us all little pick-me-up presents (post-its, pens and the like). i posted the card because it really described what i felt at the moment, not only my frustration with my current job position. y'all know the stories about my direct supervisor- a trained monkey could take his position and noone would even notice. this little man is so limited, he forwards emails to us that we have already received from other people. is it so hard to check the address line in an email and notice the announement was made to THE WHOLE SCHOOL? he also has the irritating habit of forwarding us all the same email, calling a meeting, and then proceeding to READ US THE EMAIL (i wish i were exaggerating).

i had a meeing with him tuesday which lasted about an hour. most of the meeting was me turing his own words against him. he would give me a definition to contradict what i was tryng to tell him, and i would use his same definition in another situation to make another of my points. he would retort by telling me that is not what he meant, and i would corner him by asking if the definition of which he was speaking had different meanings in different settings. this infuriated him so much that he resorted to shuffling papers on his desk and changing the subject. the high point of the meeting, and when i decided it was time for me to leave, was when he told me it was a "perennial" problem of which he had heard teachers complain for the last 27 years. to which i replied, "what does that word mean, perennial?" he sputtered, "always, it's always been a problem." I heard later that he was asking around for the meaning of the word and looking it up in the dictionary. i am even more satisfied to know that he cannot fire me.

"she who laghs, lasts"

I have to admit, i have no patience for stupid people in positions of power.

Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia defines a perennial plant or perennial (Latin per, "through", annum, "year") is a plant that lives for more than two years.

a comment on higher education: i arrived at my class last thursday evening to find i had a paper due already. apparenty i was supposed to divine that i should look at the university website in advance and have a research paper ready for the first evening. ouch. i am enrolled in an audition. if i don't pass this class, i don't make it into the program. no pressure. on one hand, i'm not worried. "graduate level work" has never been a problem for me before, so i should have what it takes to get into this program. on the other hand, my arrogance concerns me: what if i need to try harder? i have decided i am going to wish in one hand and wait for a cow to shit in the other and see which hand fills up first. i am going to make it, i have what it takes and besides, i want this. next!

well i can't forget about my new baby boy, Dakota. Ten years old, arrived last saturday. a beautiful pait with maybe some arab? some tennessee walker in him? who knows. he's brown and white with a black and white mane and a black tail. he is well trained, but hasn't been ridden in a long time. he was skittish at first, he really wasn't used to people around him. but now he is more comfortable and i can apporach him for all kinds of things: treats, fly mask, halter, bath, pet and groom. he is getting used to having his shoes off and is now wearing easy boots when we ride. oh, and in the backround of this photo is mr k's new love, ck 580 backhoe (why are men so fascinated by ho's?)

Yes, that is my mom to my right. she came to visit me for the long weekend and i was also able to get the friday and tuesday off, which means that we got to spend five days together. here we are in a photo taken yesterday. i dressed her up in my very first 1880's dress and myself in the other and we went downtown, i think she truly enjoyed swanning about town (as mr. k put it) and having our picture taken, not only by the fartoagrapher, but by many a tourist.

we also had the opportunity, through the american legion, to spend a day with blind vets from tucson. we served them lunch, then we all walked up allen st, saw the shootout at the OK corral museum, took a ride on the stagecoach through town, and had a tour of the historic birdcage theatre. the stories these old gentlemen had to tell... and the amazing transformation- so down when they arrived, but so animated when they left us. i would do it again, in a heartbeat.