I've had this waking dream i can't get out of my head. Mr. K was driving a team of horses on some kind of stagecoach. except it wasn't in the past, it was in the future- we were driving the horses down an empty freeway in the night. it was so dark in places, we could not see. and he was driving the horses as fast as he could, as if we were being chased or needed to be somewhere in a hurry. we weren't the only ones on the coach, there were others, none of whom i remember or could really see in the dark, i couldn't say who they were. all i remember is screaming everytime it went dark, and he drove the horses faster, faster...

at some point we arrived at my grandmother's old home in del cerro circle- i don't remember the arrival, just the being there. and the house was full of people- many of whom are dead now but they were all there- but like before i never saw them, only knew they were there. there was a closet underneath the stairs and i kept looking inside the closet for something- a dress, i think- that would keep me safe if i found it. i don't know what i needed saving from. i remember all the furniture in the house was wrong, it was all in the same place, but it was all different furniture. i went upstairs to her room and waited there for her, she was there but not there.

I've dreamed many times about this house. i can walk in all the rooms of the house in my dreams and it's never like my grandma left it. it's funny, i never dream of the place she spent the last ten years of her life, the place she moved to after grandpa died. even when she lived there i dreamed of the old place. that house they had bought when it was brand new. they were the first family to live there, and it was when my dad was a teenager. they put in the pool the year i was born, and i swam in it every easter of my life- grandpa would heat the pool and we would all swim whatever the weather. it was the official opening of the pool season, the only time in the year grandpa would heat the pool. i spent every summer in that pool until i was seventeen. we used to call it a mansion, us kids. we were into mysteries, and were convinced the closet under the stairs hid a secret passage, among other places in the house we considered mysterious.

i was living with my grandparents when my grandpa died. when he was ill i would have many waking dreams that i was in walking around the house. i dreamed one time that i walked into his bedroom early one morning, but he didn't see me. he was having trouble getting his shirt on over his head. (he had a brain tumor and when he was ill he had difficulty with motor skills). i woke from this dream and went out my bedroom door to greet my grandpa at the top of the stairs, just exiting his room. wearing a white tee shirt and his hair all ruffled. i always fancied i was there, checking up on him. maybe when i dream of the house i am there again, and others are there with me, others who visit the house because they have memories there. that would explain why i can't see them- but i know they are there. it would also explain the furniture being different...

i don't really know why i'm feeling sentimental, lots of things really. maybe i feel a need to open old wounds and examine them- in light of my career change. everyone seems to agree a good counselor has thoroughly examined all her "stuff" so she doesn't project it on a client. thing is, i don't really think i have all that much "stuff" to look at- or i'm arrogant enough to think i've handled it so well there's no reason to go back on it. but it's bubbling up on its own...

i also feel i should rectify the fact that i never was really honest with the one therapist i spent some time with. of course i talked to her about the most obvious thing that was hurting me, and one other from my past- but lets just say there was another elephant in the room that i wasn't facing. the elephant being the cause of the problem i had discussed with her- one i still haven't worked out quite yet. but i sat in front of her, right before moving to arizona and told her everything was now fine. the problem was gone, and i was in putting some distance in between us. i wanted it, needed it to be fine so i could start my new life. i couldn't bring myself to admit there was a problem. everything will be fine, it will get better.

but i brought the elephant with me. and its here, standing in between me any everything i want to do. i know i have to face this elephant, i have to look at it and admit its really there. but i really don't know how.