this morning we both turned and looked at the elephant from opposite sides of the room. unfortunatley, he was looking at the ass end first- the words seemed to tumble out of my mouth in reverse order. i did what i promised myself i wouldn't, couldn't do- i started with the worst case scenario and worked my way backwards.
after a silent week of planning i couldn't believe myself. on retrospect (20/20 vision) i think it must be the best way. now he knows exactly how serious this is to me. and if the major problem we've had threaded throughout our relationship has been a lack of communication, then i owe it to him to be honest.
and we did work back to where i wanted to be. there is no need for dramatics. i was at the end of my rope and it felt like there was no other way but out. we've never been able to communicate. we were both to damaged by our past relationships to open up to each other. he says he'd put walls up that are only just now beginning to come down. only trouble is, i'm trained to those walls. if' they're coming down, i'm still feeling the bump when i run into them.
i want to believe we can work this out. i have wanted to believe it for so long- and i feel like i can't keep telling myself it's going to get better. but then i have to realize that it won't get better until we both try at it. and he's willing to try for the first time. he's willing to work with me. we've both agreed that this won't be solved in one conversation, or in one day. we have seven years' worth of mistakes to unravel. we've both agreed that it can't be just a band aid- if we can't work this out we have to go our separate ways.